Confession Time

(The featured image today is Aurora singin’ with her critters because 100% that is me, in the woods behind our house, singing these stupid modified lyrics while surrounded by friendly woodland creatures. It happens. Shut up.)

I try, I really do, to not be obnoxious in the veganism. I’m relatively new at it, after all. Sure, I’ll judge OFAH and stuff, but otherwise I try to be nice and not easily offended by things so that the people around me start to lose the stigma of “vegan=humourless moralist.”

But. OK. So when “The Christmas Song” comes on, and it gets to the line about helping to make the season bright, I sing,

Tofurky and some mistletoe

Help to make the season bright.

I’m sorry. I don’t even eat Tofurky, but it doesn’t ruin the meter like “just scads of Christmas cookes, French toast, scalloped potatoes, lasagna and I guess some mistletoe but that’s kind of not important” would.

It’s a thing I do often, actually. I rewrote some of the lyrics to Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young” which is about pestering an apparently chastity-committed Catholic girl into sex. I changed it so it’s from her perspective.

You think not having morals is badass and so great

You say you’d laugh with sinners and scoff at the saints

But there’s Hitler and Stalin and Pot and Hussein

Not all sinners are that much fun

Some of them made the good die young

-this next part gets wailed-

MY MOM THINKS YOU’RE A LOSER AND SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOUR DEAL IS

Now are you even sure you’re into me,

Don’t alienate me from my family.

Whoa-oh-oh-oh

It’s a catchy song so this way I can sing along to it, just this part though, without getting mad about random Catholic girl fetishism and, like, blatant coercion. TBC the church needs to get over itself on this and many other issues but no means no, Billy Joel. It doesn’t matter if you don’t agree with her reasoning because her reasoning is based on weird misogynistic sex-negative beliefs about human nature, it’s HER BODY.

Also I don’t for a second buy that he’s concerned about her sexual freedom in the name of feminism or out of concern for her as her own person. Dude’s looking for a naive girl to manipulate so he doesn’t have to actually navigate a relationship with someone he respects.

(I don’t care if the point is that she wants to have sex too and just needs a bit of cajoling I AM SO DONE WITH ROMANCE NARRATIVES EVEN IN SONG FORM THAT PULL THIS WHINY SHIT GIVE ME ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT OR I WALK.)

(PS WE CATHOLIC GIRLS GET CONFIRMED AT AGE 13 YOU SICK FUCK NOW PISS OFF FOREVER.)

I want to rewrite the entire song from her point of view but it’ll take too much time uuuuuugh I’m so laaaazy.

And “Cheerleader.”

Ooh, I think that I’ve found myself a cheerleader

She has literally no wants and needs of her own.

I tried.

Not really.

Sorry Paul McCartney, but…

Well she was just seventeen,

Well you know what I mean.

(What I mean is that I’m a pedo-FY-YULL.)

How could I be expected to not act creepy (WOOOOH) when I saw her standing there.

“You know what I mean,” is the part that gets me. It just sounds so lecherous and leering, fetishising of the young as well as just kind of creepy, and it’s out of place in a song that is otherwise apparently a simple song about meeting someone at a dance and falling in love.

Why not: “We were just seventeen,/well you know what I mean.” Problem solved.

And after the election I rewrote “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria.”

How do you get a woman into power?

How do you get the jerks to come around?

(I skipped a chunk here)

You just need someone who’s a bit like Thatcher,

A bit of a fascist

And maybe like Palin:

A clown.

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell them (the electorate),

Many a thing they ought to understand,

But how do you make them stay;

See the truth in what you say,

Get them to take the pill and keep it down?

Oh how do you get a woman in to poweeeeeer,

if she’d actually be awesome… at the… jooooooob.

(And Sister Margaretta comes in with the alternative lyrics harmony)

And be way better than the guy they chose insteeeeeeeeead.

I don’t know guys I’m bored a lot.

Also three rewrote some lyrics for “Would You Still Love me the Same” because the song offended her, making the singer do increasingly horrible things and still expect to be loved unconditionally.

If I stole all your cash, if I burnt down your house,

Tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?

If I punched a puppy, if I murdered your mom,

Tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?

(why the two of us get annoyed enough at ridiculous song lyrics to reference genocide and murder is beyond me but I guess it has something to do with the fact that we go all in on things we feel moderate distaste for)

PS: don’t try singing along with these. There are lots of extra syllables and/or the meter is all off.

❤ erm

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