Anne Episode Recap: Tightly Knotted to a Similar String

This episode opens with the grossest spelling bee ever.

The horrible, horrible teacher is setting words for the teams (girls vs boys, because of course) while staring at Prissy. The words he chooses start with stuff like “gorgeous” and “ravishing” and then “callous” and “cruel” (because she isn’t simpering, and is instead looking distinctly uncomfortable), and then it’s “contrite” and, ugh, “engagement,” which she perks up about.

Uggggggh.

It finally ends because Gilbert lets Anne win. Later in the show, his father is dying, she figures it out, and feels some sympathy.

Also, she gets her period.

She screams and yells things about it that I want to scream and yell about it also every month. Marilla gets all affectionate. She and Rachel have a nice conversation about menstruation and Anne and the girls do the same. It’s nice. Rare, I think, for media to show women talking long enough to get around to discussing experiences they have that don’t revolve around men.

Matthew buys Anne her dress, from a lady who is apparently the girl he was *supposed to end up with* if only *tragedy* hadn’t struck and made him, and Marilla, apparently, *tragically unwed forever.*

I don’t want to complain too much because there are allo people who remain single and their experiences and feelings about them matter also. There are probably also lots of ace and/or aro people who have relationship woes of various kinds. I just think it’s kind of sad. I wish Matthew (and probably Marilla) didn’t have to be portrayed as such tragic figures just because they don’t have romance and/or sex.

This story line hasn’t progressed, though, so who knows what I’ll think about it later.

Anne and Diana accidentally get drunk, then Mrs. Barry declares that they can never associate with each other again, and it is very dramatic. Anne and Diana declare their love for one another and then Anne’s all happy because she gets to wear her puffy-sleeved dress to church, the end.

Mostly, I liked it. I like that Anne gets to act moody and ridiculous like a teenager would. Rare, refreshing, cleansing, etc.

Advertisements

Anne Episode Recap: An Inward Treasure Born

(changing up the featured image because of this)

All right so:

People determined to excuse Aziz Ansari because the woman he was super aggressive towards didn’t just leave the apartment entirely or say explicitly “no” or “stop” was annoying today. Based on the discussions I saw about it I was expecting it to be much grayer than it was when I actually read it. I was thinking, “Really, guys? You think she wasn’t being clear enough?”

There was also some Margaret Atwood nonsense. She wrote an op-ed called “Am I a Bad Feminist?” and the answer is yes. She really is, if indeed she’s a feminist at all. Her shtick is calmly, gently restating over and over that feminism makes us all want to insist that women are angels, victims always, forever blameless.

  1. No.
  2. To me, feminism is the radical notion that a woman can be flawed and complicated and that human experiences can be gray and SHE SHOULD STILL HAVE HER BASIC HUMANITY RESPECTED.
  3. I honestly thought, until recently, that was kind of what Atwood meant, to a certain extent. But apparently no.
  4. To Atwood, “women aren’t angels” means “we need to always always always mistrust sexual misconduct allegations especially if they’re against well-respected and powerful men I like. Because women aren’t angels.”
  5. (Nobody is saying we need to instantly convict every person accused of sexual misconduct. Nobody. NOBODY IS SAYING THAT.)
  6. (False accusations are rare.)
  7. (Rapists and sexual harassers never facing any consequences whatsoever for their actions is PRETTY COMMON.)
  8. (That NEEDS TO CHANGE.)
  9. (We can start by getting rid of judges who excuse rape because of what the victim was wearing or because there was previous flirtation or because “she didn’t look like a thirteen-year-old.”)
  10. (Holding more terrible men accountable for their actions is PROBABLY NOT GOING TO HURT ANYONE WHO ISN’T A TERRIBLE MAN.)
  11. Fuck you, Atwood.
  12. Ten bucks several Atwood controversies down the line is going to be one that is her going full TERF. I’m calling it now.

Also the thing she retweeted the other day, apart from the Sullivan shit piece, was a shit piece about how #metoo goes too far in that workplace flirtation can be hot.

There’s a little paragraph that’s like, “Straight women like when men are sexually aggressive because it confirms our desirability and can be thrilling and unexpected.”

OK so kudos to this writer for discovering what kinks are.

She should have followed through with her research to determine that acting on those kinks with a partner still requires consent if it’s being done, like, right.

I find it hard to believe that – look, I don’t care how kinky you are. You aren’t always, in every context, with any potential partner, up for being grabbed and kissed, or even just flirted with. Which is where the millennial feminist affirmations of “FUCKING ASK” or “enthusiastic consent” come in. It should not be that hard to understand that none of us are asking you to not have your romance and your sexy funtimes the way you like them. And MAYBE, a conversation about harassment and assault, particularly where women are just trying to go to work and do their jobs, is NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU TO SHOW UP AND SCREAM INTO THE VOID THAT YOU LIKE FLIRTING.

Nobody cares. Do your thing. Do it consensually. THAT ISN’T WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT, BRENDA.

I’m finding it legitimately exhausting that the backlash so far has been people itching to do a bad take looking at a movement revolting against the silencing and horrific sexual harassment and assault of women in the workplace and going, “But, but, but, how will we do romance, then?”

THAT. ISN’T. ROMANCE.

IT ISN’T ROMANCE.

THAT YOU JUMP SO QUICKLY TO EQUATING IT TO ROMANCE IS SCARY AND AWFUL.

STOP.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

So on this episode of Anne, a pastor shows up and says Anne doesn’t need to go to school anyway because she can just stay at home and learn how to be a wife, and then Marilla gets PISSED and yells at Matthew, who basically just asks if she’s OK, “Now, is there anything I can bake or clean or mend or fetch for you?” before storming off, and then when Billy jokes that “girls are so useless” and they should “stay in the kitchen” and that they should “leave the men to their work” Anne screams, “Why don’t you give me that hammer and I’ll finish the job myself if YOU’RE too busy being a bully to GET IT DONE?” And then all the men laugh.

Last episode I thought Ruby and Josie smiling in a rather shocked way meant that they admired Anne for smacking Gilbert with the slate, but apparently I was wrong. This time, I’ll say I guess it’s possible that the men think Anne is just being silly, but it still plays to me as though they thought it was legit great that she screamed that at him.

When it comes to Ruby (and Josie, probably, but she isn’t here this episode), I still think she does admire Anne. I think she just understands that Anne’s behaviour and personality and orphan status make her stick out, and that it’s socially unacceptable to be seen publicly liking her.

I’m going to hold onto that because the smiling/awe from last time really, really doesn’t make sense to me as the girls laughing at Anne’s expense. Do they not know what to make of it? Are they shaken to their cores? Yes. You’re not supposed to loudly, violently, publicly rebuff Gilbert Blythe. But Anne did. Upon further reflection they decide to uphold status quo and keep treating her badly because she’s too dramatic for their delicate sensibilities (or so they’ve been taught).

So apart from the screaming, this episode was fairly dramatic in other sort of overblown ways. Anne gets to be a hero and I like it, but it is kind of out there. I prefer the budding friendship with Ruby. I also like the moments she gets with Gerry, who keeps hinting that he really wants to go to school and be educated but he doesn’t have that opportunity. My prediction is that Anne will lobby for him to go to school at some point, or that she’ll teach him herself, or both.

Well that’s all. Hopefully news won’t be as aggravating next time I recap an episode, or, if it is, hopefully Anne will scream at someone again because it’s so rare to see girls and women in media fully let loose with their rage. It’s CLEANSING, I say.

Anne Recap: But What Is So Headstrong as Youth?

WELP.

This one is a winner. Truly and completely a winner.

Finally, Anne is settled at Green Gables so she goes to school and it’s THE BEST.

While at school she learns the complicated politics of being friends with girls and enemies with boys and also insinuates that Prissy Andrews is fucking the teacher OOPS.

There’s a scene in which her new girlfriends are enthralled and giggling listening to her explain sex without having her even having the faintest clue that sex is what she’s describing, and it starts off as hilarious (ANNE SHIRLEY IS TALKING ABOUT SEX!!!) but then it gets dark because now she’s describing the alcoholic abuser she lived with and all the times she listened to him rape his wife without really understanding that that’s what she was listening to. So. Oops.

The girls are scandalized – not because it’s rape, but because of Anne’s impossible-now-to-ignore proximity to sex and alcohol, because it’s 1908, of course.

Parallel to this is Marilla, joining a progressive mothers’ group.

MARILLA. JOINS. A. PROGRESSIVE. MOTHERS’. GROUP.

THEY DISCUSS FEMINISM.

Then Rachel gets mad at her for “being a suffragette.”

Marilla: There was a lot of civilized talk about women’s education social reforms.

Rachel: Next you’ll be telling me you all burnt your corsets and danced naked in front of town hall!

Marilla: We ran out of time.

marillarachel

Oh and also Matthew: I reckon every new idea was modern once… until it wasn’t.

I love Matthew.

Marilla and Rachel are snapping at each other as Rachel is leaving but then Anne bursts in and congratulates them for being such good friends for so long and then they sort of forgive each other. Aww.

But Marilla gets kicked out of the progressive mothers’ group because of Anne’s Prissy Andrews teacher-fucking insinuations, as Mrs. Andrews is kind of one of their leaders. But near the end Marilla goes to visit Mrs. Andrews and declares that it isn’t Anne’s fault that she’s witnessed so much, and, also, too bad progressive parenting doesn’t have any room for compassion. Rather than looking scandalized and obstinate, Mrs. Andrews appears thoughtful.

So. I hope Marilla gets to be in the progressive mothers’ group again and I hope she stays there forever.

Meanwhile pedophile teacher is the actual one at fault and it seems pretty clear that this show is going to hold him to account, which is delicious.

Oh, and Gilbert shows up.

He saves Anne in the woods, she gets told off because Ruby likes Gilbert so she isn’t allowed to talk to him, she promises not to.

All this while, by the way, Diana has been working hard trying to make sure Anne can be part of the group and she is a goddess. She is amazing. I love her so much.

Making Diana’s job harder and perhaps ensuring that Anne can’t be friends with these girls is the fact that Gilbert thinks Anne is cute, and he’s popular, and he’s not used to rejection, so he persists. And finally, at his lowest, bewildered that she’s determined to ignore him (BECAUSE SHE WANTS FEMALE FRIENDS!!!) he does that thing where he pulls her braid and calls her “Carrots.”

And she cracks her chalkboard over his head. Screaming, “I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU.”

And then Ruby and Tillie and Moody stare at her in awe.

ruby

Even Josie is impressed.

josie

I think… I think Josie might actually be a little bit in love with Anne in this version?

Maybe she’s actually of the opinion that Anne is ridiculous and is laughing at her, but as of the end of this episode, to me, this is reading as admiration. Which is cool, because I think we need more adaptations where female characters who supposedly hate each other in the original are just going to be friends in the new version. Why not?

Rebecca where the narrator and Mrs. Danvers become BFFs, for example? Yeah. I want that. Would it change the entire story? Yes. Good.

In this case Josie was always more of a Kate Sanders to Anne’s Lizzie McGuire, which makes the possibility of their friendship make even more sense.

I’m hopeful.

ANNE SHIRLEY HAS A VERY BAD TEMPER.

YES.

The episode ends with Anne running into Marilla’s arms and sobbing that she’s never going back to school.

This was perfection. LM Montgomery would be fucking proud.

I’m sorry I’m swearing while talking about an Anne of Green Gables adaptation but MARILLA IS IN A FEMINIST GROUP NOW AND ANNE HAS JUST BECOME THE ENTIRE CLASS’S HEROINE FOR REFUSING TO INDULGE GILBERT’S NONSENSE AND WALKING OUT ON THE PEDOPHILE TEACHER. SO.

Oh hey it’s the 1985 version AND the 2017 version.

What I think I’m also really liking about this episode as opposed to the others so far is that while everything I said last time about how Anne was always great because she just does what she does and says what she says without worrying about judgement, in this episode, she’s completely worried about judgement.

That is, she’s struggling to tamper down on her big personality in order to have friends and succeed. I have to assume, because it happens in the novel, that she ultimately finds a balance between being who she is and thinking about others. As in, there are some moments where she shouldn’t just talk. Like when she’s basically slandering Prissy Andrews. That’s not good. But sometimes she should absolutely be who she is and not worry about societal norms, like when Gilbert is being mean and the pedophile teacher is being misogynistic and unfair. In order to get through life without being exiled or hurting people you have to care a little bit about fitting in with the people who matter to you, but you do have to find ways to be true to yourself.

So, yes, she’s like if a manic pixie dream girl were actually written to be a human being. Which is awesome.

Anne Recap: I Am No Bird, and No Net Ensnares Me

OK, first of all, these episode titles are unreal.

Secondly, that Anne official image I’m using as my header is unreal. I always feel like she’s looking straight into the depths of my soul.

As much as I think both of these things are super pretty but also a little much, it’s still kind of amazing that, as I said somewhere in the episode 1 recap, if Anne Shirley was real she would very much approve of this adaptation.

As far as the second episode goes, though, I thought most of it was a little “meh.” Approximately 3/4 of it is mostly unnecessary – Anne has taken the train back to Halifax but didn’t return to the asylum like she was supposed to and is instead trying to make her own life as a thirteen-year-old with no money and no adult.

Which is, to recycle the phrase, a little much.

Matthew finds her at a train station selling poetry readings so she can get to… New Brunswick? I can’t remember. She yells at him about how if she goes back with him like he wants, her place at Green Gables will always be precarious and that’s unfair. I’m with her, honestly, but I think a heartfelt conversation between her and Marilla would have sufficed instead of this lengthy adventure.

Anyway. Matthew calls her his daughter spontaneously, shocking himself and Anne, and so she chooses to go with him. I know Matthew likes her right away but I’m a little skeptical that he’s already at the point of spontaneously referring to her as his daughter but I’m OK to go with it because portrayals of adoption are rare and often are in fact horror movies.

I call this whole thing unnecessary because in the book, the brooch does go missing and Marilla does force Anne to confess and then punishes her, but she punishes her by not letting her go to picnics.

Sending her back to the asylum and then freaking out for most of an episode out of regret and fear of what might have gone wrong while Matthew is away fetching her back is A LITTLE MUCH. It’s a much bigger mistake. It’s only sort of forgivable because Marilla hasn’t bonded completely with Anne yet, but even still, what she does is pretty cruel.

But I am willing to forgive the show for this because it leads to a very good final five or so minutes.

Before that, Anne has to be told by like ten different people that Marilla was extremely worried about her, and she still doesn’t believe it because Marilla is against showing her feelings. It was kind of tiring, but on the other hand I like that the focus is on the difference between “Shout it from the rooftops” Anne and “Never say it ever” Marilla. I’m looking forward to this continuing.

And then she and Marilla have a nice conversation in the nice woods.

And finally, Marilla and Matthew ask Anne if she would like to take their name, so she signs their family bible as “Anne Shirley Cuthbert” but keeps making mistakes and she wants to add “Cordelia” in there as well and although I can’t even begin to explain how amazing this moment is, I’m still going to just state for the record: I was delighted and I still am. Anne is the best. Amybeth McNulty who plays her is the best.

Anne Shirley (or, apparently, now: Anne Shirley Cuthbert) is like if a manic pixie dream girl were written well. Which – to be fair – sometimes they kind of are. I think the reason she works where others are grating and kind of insulting is that the whole thing is her own story. She is open and honest about every single one of her feelings and people are confounded by her and in awe of her. People are always trying to get her to contain herself, but she doesn’t. She is unrepentantly Anne of Green Gables.

As a young girl who kept everything to herself, I really loved Anne for being unashamed and unafraid of externalizing the wonder she feels just from existing.

Aaaaand now that I’ve fully remembered why I love this story hopefully I continue to love this version. Considering a flawless five final minutes saved an entire episode for me, I probably will.

Anne Episode Recap: Your Will Shall Decide Your Destiny

In 2017 I fell disastrously out of love with two popular shows, Game of Thrones and Stranger ThingsSo to start 2018 off better, I decided to watch Anne on Netflix. I’m going to watch it properly, slowly, and recap each of its seven episodes because I might like it a lot. Or I might not. It’ll be fun to do this with something that I’m not convinced about yet so I don’t end up feeling betrayed.

Anne is based on Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery, and I’m mostly familiar with this animated version of the story:

Which is delightful.

Also the musical version:

Which is also delightful.

So I think my main problem will be that this new Netflix show seems so far to be the dark and gritty reboot of Anne of Green Gables.

On the one hand, Anne Shirley, whose picture is the dictionary definition for both “precocious” and “melodramatic,” would absolutely love this version of her story, if she were real and not a fictional character in a children’s novel. She’s enthralled by gothic romance and is just a little bit quixotic. She’d love her story to be told with more excessive darkness than it usually is.

On the other hand. It’s still a children’s story. Do we really need the scene where one of Anne’s previous “foster fathers” whips her in the front yard? Do we really need the scene where a group of girls dangle a dead mouse in front of Anne and basically threaten to murder her?

No, I’m going to say.

But that’s just me.

Other than that, I really like it so far. My two worries for the upcoming episodes are as follows:

  1. Now that Anne’s (almost) situated at Green Gables, we shouldn’t need anymore harrowing examples of how difficult life would be for an orphan in the Maritimes in the early 1900s. But I suspect they’ll grittify other things to make up for it, and I don’t know how I’m going to feel about it.
  2. If they make Marilla and Matthew Cuthbert into tragic figures just because they’re single and childless I might get more than a little mad. First, they aren’t childless anymore because Anne, and second, if they had done what people are “supposed” to do and settled into heteronormative relationships, then Anne would be stuck with Mrs. Byrd or worse, because they probably wouldn’t have had a need to adopt her. Third, it doesn’t need to be portrayed as a tragedy just because it’s not the usual depiction of what a “happy” 60-something’s life should look like.

To be fair on that second point, Marilla does, at one point in the novel, think wistfully about the beau she had when she was young. Once. She can do that once, and she can be anxious about aging without someone to eventually care for her (again, until Anne is cemented there) and still be more or less fine with her life choices. Please.

And on the plus side:

The Mrs. Lynde apology was amazing. The song from the musical is probably my favourite from that show:

“Just make my headstone commonplace. And print my name in lowercase. Without an “e.” Just… leave a… space.”

Amazing.

And yet this show’s version manages to be just as good, without there even being a song!

In this episode, we covered:

  • being picked up by a bewildered Matthew at the train station and waxing poetic about a cherry tree;
  • crying a lot;
  • being overly dramatic about how “ugly” she is;
  • being insulted by, insulting, and apologizing to Mrs Lynde;
  • Marilla’s constant attempts to be meaner than she is and to not laugh out loud;
  • being rude to the hired French boy, who is likely unique to this adaptation;
  • meeting the Barrys and pledging eternal love and friendship to Diana;
  • and being accused of stealing Marilla’s broach and being sent away.

There’s still green hair, drunk Diana, Gilbert in his entirety, and other school drama to get to.

Well. So far I’m into it.

Episode 7: Can Tyrion and Cersei be BFFs Forever Now or What

Spoiler: No, they can’t. Because of bad writing.

sansaspoilers

This is, I’m almost certain, the last episode of GoT I’ll be watching, at least until the books come out or if I get really curious.

Just because I’m all blahed out because I read the alleged leaks and in my opinion the alleged ending of the series is the worst thing I think anyone involved in this show and/or book, if GRRM is planning the same end, could possibly have ever conceptualized as the ending, ever. Like if it were someone waking up from a dream at the end it would be better, in my opinion. Really.

But if you haven’t read the leaks and now I’ve stoked your curiosity, please, PLEASE don’t read them. Just wait a year, watch the six episodes, make up your own mind, hopefully you’ll like it and you won’t feel like you’ve wasted all the emotional energy you spent on this story, which is how I currently feel.

So this episode.

I really liked the Tyrion and Cersei conversation and I think it was a stellar example of one of the times on this show where character development might have occurred but instead, the character stays flat and repeats the same crap they’ve been saying all season. If Cersei had been serious, sure, Jaime wouldn’t have had the motivation he’d need to leave. So what’s happened is that any character development on Cersei’s part was sacrificed for Jaime’s. Of course, Jaime has already had his character development, and, if we were being honest about him, he would have pissed off on her early on this season after yelling at her for burning people alive. And then Cersei would have even more motivation to help with the real war effort.

And they could just pick up the Cersei conflict after the Night King threat is dealt with, or they could easily have found some other way to kill her. She has lots of enemies. Like. Show. Why are you so stagnant and horrible.

I find Cersei absolutely fascinating in the books (I mean, I hate her, but she’s fascinating), and Lena Heady is amazing as her. Both the character and the actor deserve better.

I liked Theon’s mini redemption except for the twist during the fight. That was laughably bad. I’m glad he won his fight but this show is just embarrassing at this point. With this and the Grey Worm sex scene from earlier it’s like they’re trying to make up for laughing about genital mutilation and I’m… glad… but also I’m rolling my eyes so much I’m pretty sure they’re about to fall out of my head.

I don’t like Sam, he’s boring. Bran should already know shit. Speaking of which, why did it take the Stark kids so long to turn it around on Littlefinger? I’m annoyed.

I hope Jon never, ever, EVER goes by the name “Aegon Targaryen.” Also wasn’t that his half-brother’s name? I must have misheard. I also don’t care. It only occurred to me a few weeks ago that the “Jon’s true parentage” thing is an empty story arc and I actually hate it.

Sansa: “I’m a slow learner but I learn.” Girl don’t pretend it’s your fault that this show’s writing and characterization is often horrible. It’s not.

Brienne: *Yells at Jaime for being loyal when there’s no reason to be loyal* Girl don’t pretend it’s his fault. In the books he has already pissed off on her. This show is just a mess.

The real reason I watched was to see Littlefinger get his justice and it was good. I wish that whole arc had been much, much better though. I imagine that when he gets his justice in the book I’m going to be drooling all over the pages and I won’t be able to go on reading because the ink will all be smudged. But for now, the show version will serve.

When I was asking three to predict the season I asked her how she thought the wall would come down, and she said that she didn’t care, unless they used Ghost’s dead body to do it. And I said, “Um, kind of.” And then she wanted me to elaborate but I didn’t. I’ve been quietly chuckling to myself about that for months now.

Well that’s it. Thanks Game of Thrones, we had some good times. Some good CGI dragons, some horrible dead animal metaphors, some very good acting, a lot of unnecessary rape and brutality, some very good music, and some OK politics (the show never really got the nuance of the politics). I will not miss you, though.

I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.

Episode 5: Eastwatch

I liked it.

sansaspoilers

There was a lot of talking in this one. My favourite discussions in order were:

  1. Tyrion and Varys. Commiserating about serving volatile Targaryens. Good chat, boys. Of course, personally I believe Varys was making Aerys paranoid and murderous purposefully; at least, book-Varys was, so his speech here, which was great, means nothing really. But maybe show-Varys is a decent guy.
  2. Sam and the Maesters. Sam tries to convince people to do the right thing and it hits all the right notes. I forgot how much I like Sam. Go Sam!
  3. Sam and Gilly. Gilly is passionate about learning and Sam is a giant baby. Also he interrupts Rhaegar/Lyanna marriage proof. That’s what happens when man-babies scream over women about how dissatisfied they are with their lot and how annoying the woman talking is to them: important shit gets silenced. I’m sure that was the metaphorical point of that.
  4. Jaime and Cersei I. Jaime tries to get Cersei to see reason in a patient and temperate way. ilu, Jaime.
  5. Jaime and Cersei II. Jaime gets teary-eyed because she’s pregnant and is planning on announcing that he’s the dad AWWWWWWWWWWWW ILU JAIME OMG
  6. Sansa and Arya. Sansa’s like, “You think killing people might make them like you but it doesn’t. It just makes people dead.”
    Now that is the reunion I’ve been waiting for. Arya is so, so wrong, you guys, and I love it. I love that she’s wrong. I’m concerned that the show is going to kind of side with her but so far it looks great.
  7. Jon and Gendry. They geek out about the dads they had even though they never acknowledged them. That was cute and fanservicey. I’ll take it.
  8. Davos, Jon, and Gendry. Davos wants the young men to listen to him and stay alive. He is legitimately the best.
  9. Tyrion and Jaime. AWWWWWW TYRION!!!!! OK I love both of the Lan boys so much.
  10. Dany and Jon I and II. Dany and Jon I is them being nice to each other for once. Dany and Jon II is Jon wishing her fortune in the wars to come like the patronizing moralist he is. Their chemistry is growing on me a little bit. Must be because Jorah is back to witness it and I hope he WITNESSES IT. DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS JORAH AGONY.

That was the best Little Finger scene in a while. I’d like to believe Arya is playing him right back. But probably not.

Discussions I didn’t like:

  1. I take back anything nice I ever said about Bronn.
  2. There wasn’t much, but I take it back all the same.
  3. Seriously I wish Drogon had lit him up last episode.
  4. This is what I hate about this show. There’s a genuine hero moment and then some cynical shithead shows up and mouths off about it. Except here, we’re supposed to be charmed by a guy who doesn’t care that people could end up all burned alive if Dany goes tyrant because he’s so street-smart. We’re supposed to laugh with him at Jaime’s legitimate concerns about the small folk, at Jaime trying to end the war. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck thaaaaaaaaaaaat.
  5. The final chat between all the dudes who don’t like each other. The Hound needed to tell them all to shut up a lot earlier.
  6. Can Tormund shut up forever about Brienne please? This gag makes me so mad. It isn’t funny or cute just because she’s not the typical object of desire for men. It’s not like, “Aww, see, some guy stares at her like she’s a piece of meat, good for Brienne, so she does actually have value.” Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

THEORY TIME!

I have my own, brand new, crackpot theory that I just came up with.

I honestly don’t know if someone’s come up with this yet. I bet someone has. But before I dive into the web to find out, here’s what I came up with watching this episode, inspired completely by Gilly being cut off by Sam (seriously all my goodwill toward Sam evaporated during that scene, he was such a dick to her.)

What if it never comes out that Jon is Rhaegar and Lyanna’s legitimate son?

The only reason for it to come out is if Jon has to end up on the Iron Throne. Either on his own or next to Dany. But Jon doesn’t want that.

Jon emulates Ned like whoa. Yes, he thinks Ned is actually his father, but when he learns the truth what connection does he have to Rhaegar or Lyanna? And is this story really trying to teach us that the male succession for the monarchy is a super great thing? Really?

Wouldn’t it be so much more subversive if the book Gilly has ends up destroyed at some point, and if Bran never tells a soul? And then Howland Reed dies? And Jon just lives his life thinking he was the bastard son of Lord Eddard Stark and a mystery woman? And the true heir to the throne never takes the throne and never gets celebrated as the true heir but saves the entire realm without needing to know he’s the heir, just believing he’s an underdog bastard of the last great Warden of the North?

Well. I think so.

All right, next episode is number 6 but it might as well be 9 because we are almost done the penultimate season of Game of Thrones!

Episode 4: The Spoils of War

K.

sansaspoilers

How does a dragonfire battle look less cool than the Battle of the Bastards?

Anyway. Dany seems a bit like a villain, Jaime is a hero, Bronn saving him at the end is the only good thing Bronn has ever done and probably will ever do.

That’s the thing about Bronn. If the show were being honest about cynical, shitty Bronn, he’d have taken off as soon as he heard the Dothraki screaming. He does advise Jaime to leave, but real Bronn would have just been out of there without bothering to provide wise council.

And there’s no way he’d leap almost into Drogon’s mouth in order to save his liege lord. Come on, now.

That’s what I hate about this character. He’s supposed to be a lovable shitty cynic. He is that in the books, and he sucks. He suuuuuuuuucks. He’s entertaining while he’s getting paid and working for Tyrion, but he suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. There is no value to him at all, and the books are honest about it. The show is trying to have its cake and eat it too with him and it’s annoying AF. This character archetype is the worst and I’m tired of it.

And he’s going to survive it all, isn’t he. He’s going to be on the fucking iron throne at the end, I bet.

Poor Jaime, though. He’s having a rough time with all of this. I’m buying his struggles thus far about trying to believe Cersei isn’t that bad, but, again, the book version is just way better. And watching his men die in the flames is just shit. He’s the guy who saved King’s Landing from Targaryen fire. I mean. If he switches sides I’ll be shocked. In fact, I hope what really happens is that once the White Walkers are gone Jaime kills Dany.

I’m sure that’s how it’ll go.

Because she’s totally going to be a villain. Did you see the way she flipped out at Tyrion?

Oh boy oh boy I’m so excited to watch D&D turn a beloved female character into the beloved male character’s love interest and then turn her into a villain that someone (probably a dude) needs to kill in the end! It’s going to be handled SO WELL!

sansaweary

I’m glad Drogon didn’t die, though. And when he smashed that catapult that was cool.

The “Sansa is now jealous of Arya because Bran gave her a dagger and she can fight” thing is baaaaaadly written. I can see it working with a good writer but oh man, this is not that.

But Brienne/Arya fighting is the coolest thing EVER.

Sansa/Arya/Brienne/Bran/Podrick is Westeros’s hottest new five man band and I don’t care if that isn’t actually going to happen, OK.

Bran quotes “chaos is a ladder” to LF as if to remind him of the days in which he was, like, effective. And scary. And interesting.

But he looks like he’s scheming now, so maybe with Bran’s helpful reminder of one of his big speeches, he’ll start acting like the LF we know and despise.

Also can all of the Dothraki die.

I don’t like them and their cutting-off-horse-legs ways.

❤ erm

Episode 3: Stormborn

I got the episode title wrong last week because I’m an absolute cretin, and now I’m going to stick to my guns and claim that this episode is called “Stormborn” when it’s actually called “The Queen’s Justice” because the title “The Queen’s Justice” better suits the episode where Nymeria shows up, doesn’t eat Arya, and is allowed to live her life in the wild because apparently D&D have finally grown tired of endless direwolf slaughter. It suits that better because Nymeria is the queen, and it is just that she didn’t eat Arya and didn’t have to die tragically in service of the budget.

sansaspoilers

The Sand Snakes plot is complete garbage. I can’t imagine that GRRM is planning to use the Sand Snakes as an opportunity to watch women abuse and kill other women and try to frame it as some sort of twisted justice, and I hope I’m not proven wrong. Anyway. It’s gross and I wish they’d written more nuanced stuff for Lena Dunham because she deserves so much better than this cartoon evil version of Cersei that the show seems to be pulling towards. Again. I doubt GRRM is going to end Cersei as a cartoon villain. And again, I hope I’m right.

Other than that, it was a good episode.

Jorah didn’t say bullshit about his amazing father as book!Jorah would have under the same circumstances, but I still hate this character. Show!Jorah is a better, less leery, less creepy, less rapey person but I can’t shake the heebie jeebies the book version gave me so I’m still incredibly disappointed that he isn’t going to die.

But if he’s going to live, I hope he has to stand there and watch Jon and Dany have boatloads of ice and fire sex. That’s a fate worse than death for him, probably. And he deserves it.

The Jon and Dany stuff was really good. I was worried it was going to be like bad fanfic, but, heh, not a bad effort.

Davos is still my favourite. Why he didn’t punch Tyrion in the face for the smugness about the defeat is beyond me. Probably the run time couldn’t handle reminding us that he lost a son in that battle or something.

Mel spoiled that she and Varys would die in Westeros. Thanks Mel. I don’t know why Varys is so shocked about this… did he forget that he’s mortal? Did he figure on retiring to Pentos? (Probably.) More likely he read that as a threat/he’s super uncomfortable about religion and foretelling. He’s probably going to end up burned alive, who are we kidding. Sigh.

Olenna got to say excellent stuff this time and thank the old gods and the new for that. A moment of silence for our fallen sister in Joffrey-murderdom.

I saw Bronn for a second and I’m super pissed that that dude is going to be alive at the end of it all. He suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks I hate him. Like. (A) dragon(s) is/are going to die but fucking Bronn will probably be in the last scene of this show. Goddamn.

Sansa is doing so well. She did go dewy-eyed for Littlefinger’s absolutely ridiculous, nonsensical ravings for a moment, which is stupid because nothing he said made any sense, but then Bran showed up and did the detached, slightly creepy version of the same speech so here’s my prediction: Littlefinger and Bran are going to angel and devil on Sansa’s shoulders and unfortunately, the choice for her is going to be whether she can look past Bran’s increasingly less human, more tree-like demeanour and realize that he’s obviously right about everything or not. That’s silly, but, whatever.

My advice to Bran would be, “Um, dude. Maybe don’t talk about how you watched her get raped? Like. Can you not empathize anymore or what.”

Because I’m pretty sure if not for stumblings like that, Sansa would listen to him a lot more readily. Ah well, we have to keep up the drama for four more episodes.

Speaking of which, by having Dany be failing so spectacularly the show is doing swell at the drama stuff. Now we can watch Dany decide to stay the course and not just burn King’s Landing to the ground, which would be the easy victory. Looks like Dany won’t be Mad Queening any time soon.

PS: Tyrion needs to come up with some better plans.

❤ erm

Episode 2: The Queen’s Justice

Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Also, this week’s feature image is Nymie biting Joff because it’s fitting for numerous reasons, but mainly because the episode is called “The Queen’s Justice.” Heh heh heh. Yeah. Bite away, Nymie.

sansaspoilers

The whole Sand Snakes plot is gross and I hate it and I don’t want to talk about it.

The Theon thing seems pretty freaking mean-spirited too.

Is Asha dead. Sorry. Is Yara dead. Or was that someone else hanging. At this point, I don’t care. I just want Euron to shut up forever, I don’t even need him to die. I just want him written out of the show so that I don’t have to look at him anymore.

Also, (a) dragon(s) is/are going to die this season so THAT’S COOL THANKS QYBURN I HATE YOU.

Fucking. Jorah. Mormont. Is. Going. To. Live. Isn’t. He.

AND! Everyone got a cool speech EXCEPT Lady Olenna? She said things that make basically no sense. How dare they write a bunch of crap for her and not something good like everyone else got?

There was a tonne of good stuff though:

  • Varys’s speech was fantastic and it makes me like him. In the books, I think he’s not so great. I don’t believe he cares about “the people” very much – maybe a little, but mostly he’s in it for his own interests. But that was too complicated for the show so instead he gets to be pretty cool and I root for him now, so there’s that.
  • Jon and Dany are going to meet, cool
  • Sansa is in charge of The Entire North now and Littlefinger is there and I’m apparently the only one who has faith in our girl. Guys. She’s gonna be fine. There is no way Littlefinger is escaping justice, so even if it’s not until the final scene in episode 7 of next season, you have to know he’s eventually going to be getting his. Relax.
  • PS: remember the last time Jon tried to muscle around a guy who was way more Sansa’s villain than his? Yeah, me too. It’s going to be fine, and it’s going to be Sansa who takes care of things. Or we riot, I guess.
  • Mel and Dany met and Mel and Miss told Dany that the prophecy could mean “princess” but then Mel was like “but it’s a little more complicated than that” because she’s a book reader and therefore actually understands nuance.
  • Arya’s going north but first she met Hot Pie YES
  • And then she met Nymeria YESSSSSSSS
  • but why no Nymeria
  • she doesn’t like having rocks thrown at her I guess
  • Tyrion had a good plan… until now.
  • The Grey Worm/Missandei sex scene was OK but everyone’s going to joke about the whole “no penis” thing which is shitty because there are people who do the thing without the thing, OK, and it’s fine. Honestly, I’m ace and I get it, and so I really don’t get how the rest of the world, as sex-obsessed as it is, doesn’t freaking understand that sex is not 100% solely focused on and devoted to a penis and, in fact, if it is, isn’t it super boring and unlikely to be satisfying for het womz? Like. GET. OVER. IT.
  • Like look I know GW can’t do his own thing now but like. It’s fine. It happens IRL for various reasons. And it’s FINE. OMG. Stop laughing at people with genital mutilation even fictional ones WHY.

Sorry. I’m still pissed that every time freaking Podrick walks on screen the comments are all “Oh there’s Big-Dick Pod” GUYS. THEY SAID IT WAS AVERAGE, YOU ABSOLUTE CRETINS. IDK I GUESS HE WAS JUST AN ATTENTIVE LOVER OR SOMETHING WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE THAT THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS EVEN AFTER THAT INFAMOUS JON SNOW: CUNNILINGUS GOD THING.

This show turns me into a bad person.

When is the next Disney movie coming out.

Episode 1: Dragonstone

Annnnd we’re back.

sansaspoilers

Well. This episode made me want book 6 again. Because man is this stuff weak so far.

I’m sure it will get tighter as the season progresses but didn’t they condense it to seven episodes so that more things would happen in each episode?

Good things:

  • The Sansa and Jon stuff is perfect. Perfect. Starks in one place good. Give me more Starks at Winterfell. More Jon and Sansa scenes. All of the Jon and Sansa scenes.
  • Sansa mocking Littlefinger and openly rolling her eyes at him GIVE ME THAT ALL DAY
  • Lady Mormont!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She doesn’t NEED your permission! Someone make her the Queen in the North!
  • Jon being sort of a feminist but not really
  • The Hound redemption arc is beginning YESSSS.
  • Arya makin’ friends with the purest Lan soldiers in the universe

Not so good things:

  • Jorah fucking Mormont is going to live, isn’t he.
  • Euron can shut up forever thanks.
  • Jaime needs to bail and isn’t bailing, so.
  • Dany just walked around omg Dany DO SOMETHING ALREADY
  • Sam is as bored of his plotline as I am and it makes him as nauseous as Tormund continuously sexually harassing Brienne and the show expecting us to love it and people generally loving it makes me
  • Sansa said Robb and Ned made stupid mistakes and, look, sort of, but really they were just trying to do the right thing and being basically decent to other people and expecting basic decency in return and instead getting an ax or a knife because the people nearby were worthless garbage opportunists who have all died by now because of how garbage and worthless and NOT HAVING THE FORESIGHT TO SEE THAT THEIR GARBAGE WORTHLESSNESS WOULD ONE DAY GET THEM KILLED is not the only reason that those two are dead. And if this season doesn’t grant Sansa some less cynical, less Cerseiesque, less Littlefingeresque perspective on that stuff I will be SO MAD.

Book 6 where are you.

PS: the featured image will be a direwolf each week because even though the show doesn’t want to use them properly they’re the real draw to this narrative so whatever.

Episode Eight: No One

We skipped Disney Day this week for a lot of reasons, but if our lives were like the characters’ lives in ASoIaF (and thank every entity ever that they’re not) the underlying thematic significance would be that we’re getting close to bastardbowl, and episode ten is looooooooooooooooooooming omg Cersei what are you going to do and why do we want you to do it soooooo baaaaaaadly

In summation: we can’t be happy until GoT recedes into the backs of our minds for another year because BAD THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN

sansaspoilers

Continue reading “Episode Eight: No One”