Episode 7: Can Tyrion and Cersei be BFFs Forever Now or What

Spoiler: No, they can’t. Because of bad writing.

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This is, I’m almost certain, the last episode of GoT I’ll be watching, at least until the books come out or if I get really curious.

Just because I’m all blahed out because I read the alleged leaks and in my opinion the alleged ending of the series is the worst thing I think anyone involved in this show and/or book, if GRRM is planning the same end, could possibly have ever conceptualized as the ending, ever. Like if it were someone waking up from a dream at the end it would be better, in my opinion. Really.

But if you haven’t read the leaks and now I’ve stoked your curiosity, please, PLEASE don’t read them. Just wait a year, watch the six episodes, make up your own mind, hopefully you’ll like it and you won’t feel like you’ve wasted all the emotional energy you spent on this story, which is how I currently feel.

So this episode.

I really liked the Tyrion and Cersei conversation and I think it was a stellar example of one of the times on this show where character development might have occurred but instead, the character stays flat and repeats the same crap they’ve been saying all season. If Cersei had been serious, sure, Jaime wouldn’t have had the motivation he’d need to leave. So what’s happened is that any character development on Cersei’s part was sacrificed for Jaime’s. Of course, Jaime has already had his character development, and, if we were being honest about him, he would have pissed off on her early on this season after yelling at her for burning people alive. And then Cersei would have even more motivation to help with the real war effort.

And they could just pick up the Cersei conflict after the Night King threat is dealt with, or they could easily have found some other way to kill her. She has lots of enemies. Like. Show. Why are you so stagnant and horrible.

I find Cersei absolutely fascinating in the books (I mean, I hate her, but she’s fascinating), and Lena Heady is amazing as her. Both the character and the actor deserve better.

I liked Theon’s mini redemption except for the twist during the fight. That was laughably bad. I’m glad he won his fight but this show is just embarrassing at this point. With this and the Grey Worm sex scene from earlier it’s like they’re trying to make up for laughing about genital mutilation and I’m… glad… but also I’m rolling my eyes so much I’m pretty sure they’re about to fall out of my head.

I don’t like Sam, he’s boring. Bran should already know shit. Speaking of which, why did it take the Stark kids so long to turn it around on Littlefinger? I’m annoyed.

I hope Jon never, ever, EVER goes by the name “Aegon Targaryen.” Also wasn’t that his half-brother’s name? I must have misheard. I also don’t care. It only occurred to me a few weeks ago that the “Jon’s true parentage” thing is an empty story arc and I actually hate it.

Sansa: “I’m a slow learner but I learn.” Girl don’t pretend it’s your fault that this show’s writing and characterization is often horrible. It’s not.

Brienne: *Yells at Jaime for being loyal when there’s no reason to be loyal* Girl don’t pretend it’s his fault. In the books he has already pissed off on her. This show is just a mess.

The real reason I watched was to see Littlefinger get his justice and it was good. I wish that whole arc had been much, much better though. I imagine that when he gets his justice in the book I’m going to be drooling all over the pages and I won’t be able to go on reading because the ink will all be smudged. But for now, the show version will serve.

When I was asking three to predict the season I asked her how she thought the wall would come down, and she said that she didn’t care, unless they used Ghost’s dead body to do it. And I said, “Um, kind of.” And then she wanted me to elaborate but I didn’t. I’ve been quietly chuckling to myself about that for months now.

Well that’s it. Thanks Game of Thrones, we had some good times. Some good CGI dragons, some horrible dead animal metaphors, some very good acting, a lot of unnecessary rape and brutality, some very good music, and some OK politics (the show never really got the nuance of the politics). I will not miss you, though.

I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.

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Episode 6: How Did that Raven Get to Dany and then She Got All the Way to Eastwatch in that Minute Amount of Time I Mean Really Now

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So.

I give up.

Not because of the absolutely hilarious pacing going on this season, no.

Not because Sansa and Arya’s conversation, while much better than their initial meeting, is very, very stupid.

Not because Tormund is still a sexual harasser but everyone keeps laughing at the “joke” that is him leering at Brienne and Brienne being angry and uncomfortable about it, no, not even that.

Not because Viserion died and was reanimated. Nope. I figured the dragons weren’t making it out alive from this story.

Here, have Sansa again, because my reasons for giving up are lousy and you shouldn’t read them.

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Yes, Sansa, my sweet girl, I am spoiling everything. In fact, I already have.

I read the leaks.

I urge you not to, if you’re reading this and you haven’t read them yet.

“What leaks?”

Don’t worry about it.

Instead, watch this tutorial for how to do Wonder Woman’s intense braid.

Seriously, don’t read the leaks. I knew better, and yet I still did it, and I regret it now. Three and I were up north and I told her, “I’m not going to read any of the leaks this time, because it’ll ruin the experience for sure.” And then an hour later I read the leaks.

If I hadn’t, and I’d just watched the show episode by episode as it comes out like someone with willpower, I probably would enjoy much of it. But there’s something about just reading a cliff’s notes version of it that made me feel completely empty inside.

I just think the way everything happens, it’s just so… not worth it. And that had increasingly been my fear lately, creeping up on me as we move towards the end of the series. “What if after everything it isn’t worth it, if there isn’t a conclusion that makes up for all of the horror and misery we’ve endured in this fictional world so far?”

And yeah. Basically.

And I know they might not be real but they’re pretty convincing. Trademark D&D hackyness in every new development.

If the book version ending resembles the show ending in any way, shape, or form, then I totally understand why GRRM doesn’t want to write it.

Yiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.

Here, watch all four videos in which Shaun TAKES APART Cinema Sins for being way, waaaay worse than any episode of Game of Thrones ever was or ever will be.

In conclusion: don’t ruin it for yourself.

Don’t read leaks.

HBO. Babe. Like. Get your life together, with regards to content hacking, I mean really (oh and don’t air Confederate).

It’s not terrible. It’s just… not what I kind of needed, especially, I mean, do you remember the scene where Janos Slynt stabs a baby while her mother screams and pleads for him to not, all to show that Tyrion is a good person, which we already knew? Yeah. And that’s in the book, too – we don’t watch it happen, which is better, but it’s still in there. Like. If you’re going to just kill babies and rape everyone and the majority of the men, women, and babies in this world are going to suffer immensely while living and die horribly all to help us determine who we’re rooting for in the great Game o’ the Thrones, I need a better ending than that. For I am tender-hearted and very, very annoyed that it doesn’t end with Mormont’s Raven on the Iron Throne.

I HAVE BEEN CHEATED OF KING MORMONT’S RAVEN, FIRST OF HIS NAME, SCREAMER OF “CORN,” HINTER OF SECRET ROYAL PARENTAGE, BEST FRIEND OF DOLOROUS ED.

I’m going to watch the finale for this season, and that’ll be it. I’m so empty. Like Pooh’s tummy.

Episode 5: Eastwatch

I liked it.

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There was a lot of talking in this one. My favourite discussions in order were:

  1. Tyrion and Varys. Commiserating about serving volatile Targaryens. Good chat, boys. Of course, personally I believe Varys was making Aerys paranoid and murderous purposefully; at least, book-Varys was, so his speech here, which was great, means nothing really. But maybe show-Varys is a decent guy.
  2. Sam and the Maesters. Sam tries to convince people to do the right thing and it hits all the right notes. I forgot how much I like Sam. Go Sam!
  3. Sam and Gilly. Gilly is passionate about learning and Sam is a giant baby. Also he interrupts Rhaegar/Lyanna marriage proof. That’s what happens when man-babies scream over women about how dissatisfied they are with their lot and how annoying the woman talking is to them: important shit gets silenced. I’m sure that was the metaphorical point of that.
  4. Jaime and Cersei I. Jaime tries to get Cersei to see reason in a patient and temperate way. ilu, Jaime.
  5. Jaime and Cersei II. Jaime gets teary-eyed because she’s pregnant and is planning on announcing that he’s the dad AWWWWWWWWWWWW ILU JAIME OMG
  6. Sansa and Arya. Sansa’s like, “You think killing people might make them like you but it doesn’t. It just makes people dead.”
    Now that is the reunion I’ve been waiting for. Arya is so, so wrong, you guys, and I love it. I love that she’s wrong. I’m concerned that the show is going to kind of side with her but so far it looks great.
  7. Jon and Gendry. They geek out about the dads they had even though they never acknowledged them. That was cute and fanservicey. I’ll take it.
  8. Davos, Jon, and Gendry. Davos wants the young men to listen to him and stay alive. He is legitimately the best.
  9. Tyrion and Jaime. AWWWWWW TYRION!!!!! OK I love both of the Lan boys so much.
  10. Dany and Jon I and II. Dany and Jon I is them being nice to each other for once. Dany and Jon II is Jon wishing her fortune in the wars to come like the patronizing moralist he is. Their chemistry is growing on me a little bit. Must be because Jorah is back to witness it and I hope he WITNESSES IT. DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS JORAH AGONY.

That was the best Little Finger scene in a while. I’d like to believe Arya is playing him right back. But probably not.

Discussions I didn’t like:

  1. I take back anything nice I ever said about Bronn.
  2. There wasn’t much, but I take it back all the same.
  3. Seriously I wish Drogon had lit him up last episode.
  4. This is what I hate about this show. There’s a genuine hero moment and then some cynical shithead shows up and mouths off about it. Except here, we’re supposed to be charmed by a guy who doesn’t care that people could end up all burned alive if Dany goes tyrant because he’s so street-smart. We’re supposed to laugh with him at Jaime’s legitimate concerns about the small folk, at Jaime trying to end the war. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck thaaaaaaaaaaaat.
  5. The final chat between all the dudes who don’t like each other. The Hound needed to tell them all to shut up a lot earlier.
  6. Can Tormund shut up forever about Brienne please? This gag makes me so mad. It isn’t funny or cute just because she’s not the typical object of desire for men. It’s not like, “Aww, see, some guy stares at her like she’s a piece of meat, good for Brienne, so she does actually have value.” Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

THEORY TIME!

I have my own, brand new, crackpot theory that I just came up with.

I honestly don’t know if someone’s come up with this yet. I bet someone has. But before I dive into the web to find out, here’s what I came up with watching this episode, inspired completely by Gilly being cut off by Sam (seriously all my goodwill toward Sam evaporated during that scene, he was such a dick to her.)

What if it never comes out that Jon is Rhaegar and Lyanna’s legitimate son?

The only reason for it to come out is if Jon has to end up on the Iron Throne. Either on his own or next to Dany. But Jon doesn’t want that.

Jon emulates Ned like whoa. Yes, he thinks Ned is actually his father, but when he learns the truth what connection does he have to Rhaegar or Lyanna? And is this story really trying to teach us that the male succession for the monarchy is a super great thing? Really?

Wouldn’t it be so much more subversive if the book Gilly has ends up destroyed at some point, and if Bran never tells a soul? And then Howland Reed dies? And Jon just lives his life thinking he was the bastard son of Lord Eddard Stark and a mystery woman? And the true heir to the throne never takes the throne and never gets celebrated as the true heir but saves the entire realm without needing to know he’s the heir, just believing he’s an underdog bastard of the last great Warden of the North?

Well. I think so.

All right, next episode is number 6 but it might as well be 9 because we are almost done the penultimate season of Game of Thrones!

Jaime Lannister is a Hero

I wanted to expand on a couple of things I either just mentioned briefly or 100% ignored in my episode four recap.

I’ve said my piece on why Bronn doesn’t work as a character but I hadn’t actually realized that they did a kind of clunky super-obvious metaphor with him, so let me give the show a bit of credit. Bronn gets a bag of gold right at the beginning and then ends up having to abandon it in the midst of battle. At the end where he leaps into a possible fiery death, it’s therefore been sort of earned. He’d already made the decision, just as Jaime had, to stick around and do the right thing against pretty terrible odds.

So… Bronn got some character development, he isn’t just acting in a plot-convenient and fan service-convenient way. But I have serious doubts that he’ll continue on this path to good-guyhood. Not because I don’t believe witnessing dragon devestation could possibly change him, but rather because I think the writers are hacks.

I stopped bothering about being nice and not calling them hacks after all the rape and after learning that they’re doing a show about slavery still being legal in the 21st century after GoT is done.

On the other hand, Bronn’s clunky super-obvious metaphor didn’t include dead animals used as props (do you remember when Tywin Lannister laid a dead wolf’s pelt next to the two swords he forged out of Ice because I do and I need brain bleach because that was SO BAD omg) so let’s toast the writers at Game of Thrones for resisting the temptation on that one.

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Congrats, you did something right, guys.

I wanted to quickly discuss Jaime and the fact that he’s a hero.

Jaime started as an idealistic kid who struggles as a King’s Guard. He goes against his father’s wishes to take that vow because he wants to be a hero and then he finds himself distraught in the hallway listening to Mad King Aerys raping his sister-wife because he believes it is their duty to protect the queen as well, and one of his fellow guards says, “Yeah but not from him.”

He stands in the throne room, which was silent apart from the screams and the laughing, watching Mad King Aerys burn Grandpa Stark while Uncle Stark hangs himself trying to save his father, because what can he do? He’s a King’s Guard.

He breaks his vow in spectacular fashion one fine day when Mad King Aerys is like, “Be a dear and kill your dad for me won’t you and while you’re doing that me and my pyromancer are going to burn down the entire city with wildfire kthnxbai” and Jaime’s like, “Double homicide time I guess.”

And then he sits on the throne?

That part makes me laugh. That’s what I would have done. As much as I love Ned, I side with Jaime on this one and think he totally overreacted to finding kid Kingslayer lounging on the throne. I think it was earned. He saved everybody’s life, he can sit on the throne for a second.

Anyway, Jaime is one of my favourite characters. He gets a spectacular hero moment in “Spoils of War” and I’d like to point out a couple of things to mouthy Tyrion in the peanut gallery.

Tyrion calls him a “fucking idiot” while he watches him charge down Daenerys, and I assume that’s mostly out of grief and horror. I mean. He thinks he’s about to watch his brother get fried. But I have this thing about calling heroic people doing heroic deeds “idiots” and “stupid” and “brawn over brains.” Jaime isn’t some stupid jock here. He’s charging down huge odds trying to do the right thing because Jaime is the guy who kills the Targaryen despots who try to burn everyone alive.

Jaime weighs the odds right before he charges. He sees that Dany is busy trying to yank a spear out of Drogon and he sees that Drogon is busy yelling, “OW! MOM THAT HURTS WTF HAVEN’T WE TALKED ABOUT YANKING THINGS OUT OF ME?” He sees that he has a chance. It’s a tiny chance. And if he succeeds, all he’s going to accomplish is Dany-murder. Drogon will kill him right after, and he’s cool with that. It’s not a huge victory because the dragons will still be alive but they won’t be the tools of a conquering queen anymore, and that’s worth it to him.

Before this we get all these great shots of Jaime looking at people burning and turning to ash and blowing away. This is his actual nightmare. And I remember being so angry about how, after Cersei killed a bunch of people with wildfire he just stood there giving her major side-eye but then, nope, the season starts and he’s still in love with her. So IDK, maybe he has to see the people burning for himself before he decides it’s a bad thing? He told Olenna that people won’t care how Cersei achieved peace once she achieves it, which could technically be true of Dany as well. The difference in his perception of these two comes down to family and love and memories of Targaryens past, I suppose.

Anyway. Jaime, in the books, is the best of the Lannisters. In the show he and Tyrion are both pretty equally great. As much as A Song of Ice and Fire is lauded for being “realistic” in portraying cynical people getting ahead by exploiting everyone else, you’d be missing the point in just focusing on that and not noticing that there are actual good people in this story and they aren’t there just to get mocked and killed. Jaime is one of those actually good people. He is flawed. Very, very flawed. He does terrible things. I remember when I was still in the middle of reading the books and I stumbled upon some post about how awesome Jaime is and I was like, “Um?????? But the Bran window thing??????????? I will never forgive him for that, how would that even be possible??????????????????????” And yet here we are.

I’m pretty sure he’s going to die before the end but I hope he gets to die being his heroic self.

I still have hope for Dany, even though I think Jaime was right to try to kill her. I think she’s a better person than Cersei even if it’s only that she’s more capable of growing up than Cersei is. What would be pretty great, I think, is if Jaime and Dany ever have a conversation in which he yells at her for burning all of his men that day. But I kind of doubt it’ll happen.

Episode 4: The Spoils of War

K.

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How does a dragonfire battle look less cool than the Battle of the Bastards?

Anyway. Dany seems a bit like a villain, Jaime is a hero, Bronn saving him at the end is the only good thing Bronn has ever done and probably will ever do.

That’s the thing about Bronn. If the show were being honest about cynical, shitty Bronn, he’d have taken off as soon as he heard the Dothraki screaming. He does advise Jaime to leave, but real Bronn would have just been out of there without bothering to provide wise council.

And there’s no way he’d leap almost into Drogon’s mouth in order to save his liege lord. Come on, now.

That’s what I hate about this character. He’s supposed to be a lovable shitty cynic. He is that in the books, and he sucks. He suuuuuuuuucks. He’s entertaining while he’s getting paid and working for Tyrion, but he suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. There is no value to him at all, and the books are honest about it. The show is trying to have its cake and eat it too with him and it’s annoying AF. This character archetype is the worst and I’m tired of it.

And he’s going to survive it all, isn’t he. He’s going to be on the fucking iron throne at the end, I bet.

Poor Jaime, though. He’s having a rough time with all of this. I’m buying his struggles thus far about trying to believe Cersei isn’t that bad, but, again, the book version is just way better. And watching his men die in the flames is just shit. He’s the guy who saved King’s Landing from Targaryen fire. I mean. If he switches sides I’ll be shocked. In fact, I hope what really happens is that once the White Walkers are gone Jaime kills Dany.

I’m sure that’s how it’ll go.

Because she’s totally going to be a villain. Did you see the way she flipped out at Tyrion?

Oh boy oh boy I’m so excited to watch D&D turn a beloved female character into the beloved male character’s love interest and then turn her into a villain that someone (probably a dude) needs to kill in the end! It’s going to be handled SO WELL!

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I’m glad Drogon didn’t die, though. And when he smashed that catapult that was cool.

The “Sansa is now jealous of Arya because Bran gave her a dagger and she can fight” thing is baaaaaadly written. I can see it working with a good writer but oh man, this is not that.

But Brienne/Arya fighting is the coolest thing EVER.

Sansa/Arya/Brienne/Bran/Podrick is Westeros’s hottest new five man band and I don’t care if that isn’t actually going to happen, OK.

Bran quotes “chaos is a ladder” to LF as if to remind him of the days in which he was, like, effective. And scary. And interesting.

But he looks like he’s scheming now, so maybe with Bran’s helpful reminder of one of his big speeches, he’ll start acting like the LF we know and despise.

Also can all of the Dothraki die.

I don’t like them and their cutting-off-horse-legs ways.

❤ erm

Episode 3: Stormborn

I got the episode title wrong last week because I’m an absolute cretin, and now I’m going to stick to my guns and claim that this episode is called “Stormborn” when it’s actually called “The Queen’s Justice” because the title “The Queen’s Justice” better suits the episode where Nymeria shows up, doesn’t eat Arya, and is allowed to live her life in the wild because apparently D&D have finally grown tired of endless direwolf slaughter. It suits that better because Nymeria is the queen, and it is just that she didn’t eat Arya and didn’t have to die tragically in service of the budget.

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The Sand Snakes plot is complete garbage. I can’t imagine that GRRM is planning to use the Sand Snakes as an opportunity to watch women abuse and kill other women and try to frame it as some sort of twisted justice, and I hope I’m not proven wrong. Anyway. It’s gross and I wish they’d written more nuanced stuff for Lena Dunham because she deserves so much better than this cartoon evil version of Cersei that the show seems to be pulling towards. Again. I doubt GRRM is going to end Cersei as a cartoon villain. And again, I hope I’m right.

Other than that, it was a good episode.

Jorah didn’t say bullshit about his amazing father as book!Jorah would have under the same circumstances, but I still hate this character. Show!Jorah is a better, less leery, less creepy, less rapey person but I can’t shake the heebie jeebies the book version gave me so I’m still incredibly disappointed that he isn’t going to die.

But if he’s going to live, I hope he has to stand there and watch Jon and Dany have boatloads of ice and fire sex. That’s a fate worse than death for him, probably. And he deserves it.

The Jon and Dany stuff was really good. I was worried it was going to be like bad fanfic, but, heh, not a bad effort.

Davos is still my favourite. Why he didn’t punch Tyrion in the face for the smugness about the defeat is beyond me. Probably the run time couldn’t handle reminding us that he lost a son in that battle or something.

Mel spoiled that she and Varys would die in Westeros. Thanks Mel. I don’t know why Varys is so shocked about this… did he forget that he’s mortal? Did he figure on retiring to Pentos? (Probably.) More likely he read that as a threat/he’s super uncomfortable about religion and foretelling. He’s probably going to end up burned alive, who are we kidding. Sigh.

Olenna got to say excellent stuff this time and thank the old gods and the new for that. A moment of silence for our fallen sister in Joffrey-murderdom.

I saw Bronn for a second and I’m super pissed that that dude is going to be alive at the end of it all. He suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks I hate him. Like. (A) dragon(s) is/are going to die but fucking Bronn will probably be in the last scene of this show. Goddamn.

Sansa is doing so well. She did go dewy-eyed for Littlefinger’s absolutely ridiculous, nonsensical ravings for a moment, which is stupid because nothing he said made any sense, but then Bran showed up and did the detached, slightly creepy version of the same speech so here’s my prediction: Littlefinger and Bran are going to angel and devil on Sansa’s shoulders and unfortunately, the choice for her is going to be whether she can look past Bran’s increasingly less human, more tree-like demeanour and realize that he’s obviously right about everything or not. That’s silly, but, whatever.

My advice to Bran would be, “Um, dude. Maybe don’t talk about how you watched her get raped? Like. Can you not empathize anymore or what.”

Because I’m pretty sure if not for stumblings like that, Sansa would listen to him a lot more readily. Ah well, we have to keep up the drama for four more episodes.

Speaking of which, by having Dany be failing so spectacularly the show is doing swell at the drama stuff. Now we can watch Dany decide to stay the course and not just burn King’s Landing to the ground, which would be the easy victory. Looks like Dany won’t be Mad Queening any time soon.

PS: Tyrion needs to come up with some better plans.

❤ erm

Episode 2: The Queen’s Justice

Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Also, this week’s feature image is Nymie biting Joff because it’s fitting for numerous reasons, but mainly because the episode is called “The Queen’s Justice.” Heh heh heh. Yeah. Bite away, Nymie.

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The whole Sand Snakes plot is gross and I hate it and I don’t want to talk about it.

The Theon thing seems pretty freaking mean-spirited too.

Is Asha dead. Sorry. Is Yara dead. Or was that someone else hanging. At this point, I don’t care. I just want Euron to shut up forever, I don’t even need him to die. I just want him written out of the show so that I don’t have to look at him anymore.

Also, (a) dragon(s) is/are going to die this season so THAT’S COOL THANKS QYBURN I HATE YOU.

Fucking. Jorah. Mormont. Is. Going. To. Live. Isn’t. He.

AND! Everyone got a cool speech EXCEPT Lady Olenna? She said things that make basically no sense. How dare they write a bunch of crap for her and not something good like everyone else got?

There was a tonne of good stuff though:

  • Varys’s speech was fantastic and it makes me like him. In the books, I think he’s not so great. I don’t believe he cares about “the people” very much – maybe a little, but mostly he’s in it for his own interests. But that was too complicated for the show so instead he gets to be pretty cool and I root for him now, so there’s that.
  • Jon and Dany are going to meet, cool
  • Sansa is in charge of The Entire North now and Littlefinger is there and I’m apparently the only one who has faith in our girl. Guys. She’s gonna be fine. There is no way Littlefinger is escaping justice, so even if it’s not until the final scene in episode 7 of next season, you have to know he’s eventually going to be getting his. Relax.
  • PS: remember the last time Jon tried to muscle around a guy who was way more Sansa’s villain than his? Yeah, me too. It’s going to be fine, and it’s going to be Sansa who takes care of things. Or we riot, I guess.
  • Mel and Dany met and Mel and Miss told Dany that the prophecy could mean “princess” but then Mel was like “but it’s a little more complicated than that” because she’s a book reader and therefore actually understands nuance.
  • Arya’s going north but first she met Hot Pie YES
  • And then she met Nymeria YESSSSSSSS
  • but why no Nymeria
  • she doesn’t like having rocks thrown at her I guess
  • Tyrion had a good plan… until now.
  • The Grey Worm/Missandei sex scene was OK but everyone’s going to joke about the whole “no penis” thing which is shitty because there are people who do the thing without the thing, OK, and it’s fine. Honestly, I’m ace and I get it, and so I really don’t get how the rest of the world, as sex-obsessed as it is, doesn’t freaking understand that sex is not 100% solely focused on and devoted to a penis and, in fact, if it is, isn’t it super boring and unlikely to be satisfying for het womz? Like. GET. OVER. IT.
  • Like look I know GW can’t do his own thing now but like. It’s fine. It happens IRL for various reasons. And it’s FINE. OMG. Stop laughing at people with genital mutilation even fictional ones WHY.

Sorry. I’m still pissed that every time freaking Podrick walks on screen the comments are all “Oh there’s Big-Dick Pod” GUYS. THEY SAID IT WAS AVERAGE, YOU ABSOLUTE CRETINS. IDK I GUESS HE WAS JUST AN ATTENTIVE LOVER OR SOMETHING WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE THAT THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS EVEN AFTER THAT INFAMOUS JON SNOW: CUNNILINGUS GOD THING.

This show turns me into a bad person.

When is the next Disney movie coming out.

It’s OK to have a knee-jerk reaction to stupid things

Hi. I’m supposed to be going up north but the highway is closed because some truck crashed and “dangerous liquids” spilled all over it and it won’t be open until 8 and I have nothing to do but wait as the bag of frozen edamame I just bought casually melts in the car where I left it because I have basically given up on everything. (PS: I… hope everyone is OK. Truck driving is scary.)

Anyway, I thought I could make use of the time by stating a thing: if you, like me, heard about the upcoming TV show picked up by HBO to be created by the Game of Thrones showrunners D&D about an alternate universe current America in which the Confederacy won the Civil War and slavery is still legal, and if you, like me, went, “Uggggggggh,” then, trust me: it’s OK. Even though everyone’s going to call you an over-emotional SJW, your reaction is fair. At least, according to me, it is.

It’s super early, we don’t even know if it’ll actually happen, who knows what it will look like, maybe D&D will hire a black creative team and they’ll treat the subject with respect and compassion and will ensure it won’t be exploitative. But. Probably not.

Even if they do (and… I hope that they do. I hope that either they have a good creative team and they salvage something out of this terrible, terrible idea, or, that they decide not to do this at all), this should never have happened in the first place.

Slavery is one of America’s greatest shames. It’s legacy continues to affect everything that goes on there. Everything. I think it’s generally a good thing if people want to explore these issues in art, but I have noticed that it tends to be white people who really want to do it in this specific way. “Oooh, here’s a super great premise that will be really important to work through: what if slavery still existed?”

The books I’ve read that take on slavery have been fantasy written by white Americans. One is the A Song of Ice and Fire series. One is Queen of the Tearling. Both feature young plucky white girl monarchs fearlessly stepping in and ending slavery. Like. In one fell swoop. There are complications later on, sure, but they end it fast, usually in front of a large, adoring audience. Slavery as a topic shows up, I would suggest, mainly to bolster the white girl saviour queen’s awesome hero image. I loved both of these stories. When Dany has Drogon fry that incredibly over-the-top evil slave merchant, I mean, I loved that. I was a little more cynical when Kelsea declared that slavery was over now forever, but that was probably because Johansen’s book is less about the spectacle than GRRM’s are. But here’s the thing: I think a useful discussion of slavery wouldn’t be easy, spectacle-driven, ideologically clear reading/watching. It might be fun for Quentin Tarrantino to imagine what he would have done as a white guy in the slavery-era south (so, he’d be a former dentist, current bounty-hunter, and he would mess everything up because he’s too pure to shake a horrible person’s hand) (that movie is embarrassing) (good, but embarrassing), as it might be fun for us to watch young white women take down slavery infrastructure with fire. But it doesn’t help. It’s easy to say, “Slavery was bad and I wouldn’t have participated.” It’s harder to say, “We need to rethink our current prison system because it is incredibly racist and if we’re perfectly honest it is a gigantic violation of human rights and it ends up functioning in ways that are quite eerily similar to slavery, which is supposedly illegal now.” You can barely say anything even close to that if you’re a politician and you’re seriously considering earning more than, like, ten votes. But if we’re as serious about being anti-slavery as we say we are and as we think we’re demonstrating when we geek out over Dany and Kelsea, then we should probably be thinking about the modern-day ramifications and equivalents of slavery. Because. Come on.

Considering the fact that they could have picked up a show about literally anything else, it’s even more annoying. You might argue that taking on modern racism by depicting slavery as being still legal could potentially be thought-provoking and norm-challenging, but even if it turns out to be just that, why would nobody instead do an alternate universe in which the Americas were never colonized? Or taking a look at what Africa would be like today without decades of European meddling? My guess is because there aren’t really opportunities to inject white saviour narratives into stories like that. But maybe that’s me being uncharitable. (It isn’t.)

Also D&D are not good. So, even early on, I think it’s a safe assumption to fear for the worst here.

Anyway. Be angry, it’s perfectly valid, you don’t have to wait and watch a show about modern day legal slavery before you’re allowed to say that it’s probably not a great idea and that you’re not interested and that most other ideas would have been better for a new TV show.

Episode 1: Dragonstone

Annnnd we’re back.

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Well. This episode made me want book 6 again. Because man is this stuff weak so far.

I’m sure it will get tighter as the season progresses but didn’t they condense it to seven episodes so that more things would happen in each episode?

Good things:

  • The Sansa and Jon stuff is perfect. Perfect. Starks in one place good. Give me more Starks at Winterfell. More Jon and Sansa scenes. All of the Jon and Sansa scenes.
  • Sansa mocking Littlefinger and openly rolling her eyes at him GIVE ME THAT ALL DAY
  • Lady Mormont!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She doesn’t NEED your permission! Someone make her the Queen in the North!
  • Jon being sort of a feminist but not really
  • The Hound redemption arc is beginning YESSSS.
  • Arya makin’ friends with the purest Lan soldiers in the universe

Not so good things:

  • Jorah fucking Mormont is going to live, isn’t he.
  • Euron can shut up forever thanks.
  • Jaime needs to bail and isn’t bailing, so.
  • Dany just walked around omg Dany DO SOMETHING ALREADY
  • Sam is as bored of his plotline as I am and it makes him as nauseous as Tormund continuously sexually harassing Brienne and the show expecting us to love it and people generally loving it makes me
  • Sansa said Robb and Ned made stupid mistakes and, look, sort of, but really they were just trying to do the right thing and being basically decent to other people and expecting basic decency in return and instead getting an ax or a knife because the people nearby were worthless garbage opportunists who have all died by now because of how garbage and worthless and NOT HAVING THE FORESIGHT TO SEE THAT THEIR GARBAGE WORTHLESSNESS WOULD ONE DAY GET THEM KILLED is not the only reason that those two are dead. And if this season doesn’t grant Sansa some less cynical, less Cerseiesque, less Littlefingeresque perspective on that stuff I will be SO MAD.

Book 6 where are you.

PS: the featured image will be a direwolf each week because even though the show doesn’t want to use them properly they’re the real draw to this narrative so whatever.

Game of Thrones Season 7 Predictions

Welp, Game of Thrones season 7 is going to premier in just about a month, so it’s time for predictions!

Yey!

We’re not actually excited. Erm read all the spoilers so it’s just Three predicting things this year and she doesn’t even remember what happened last season. We’re a little Game of Thrones fatigued. The main problem is that as much as it’s praised for being edgy and expectations-defying, the very fact that so many good characters die horribly and that so many opportunities for justice are completely squandered makes it kind of exhausting to be as emotionally invested as the two of us used to be. It was Justina Ireland who once wrote a whole tweet thread about the importance of not leaving your audience without the emotional satisfaction they’re coming to you for, specifically in reference to GRR Martin, and it seems about right. There’s just not enough of an emotional payoff for remembering all of these characters’ stupid names and stupid backstories, thus far in the series, at least. And this is going to be the penultimate season.

Also it doesn’t help that while the show runners are actually finishing the story up, unlike Martin, they’re not really doing a great job with it. There’re only two direwolves left. Weren’t direwolves supposed to be a big deal, at least symbolically? And they keep writing rape scenes and scenes making fun of men who have had genital mutilation done to them. It’s like, stop that. You could just not, you know.

Anyway. Last time we predicted things we got EVERYTHING RIGHT, especially the part where Mormont’s Raven is running the whole show secretly. So read these at your own risk. But erm, who has read the spoilers, knows better than to include any hints any which way about them here.

Three’s predictions for season 7, by character and topic:

Arya

  • Will she die?
    – No
  • What’s the most notable thing she’ll do?
    – She’ll kill everyone, ESPECIALLY JAIME

Bran

  • Will he die?
    – No
  • What’s the most notable thing he’ll do?
    – Since he can’t turn into a tree where the three-eyed raven was, he’ll find another heart tree and turn into it instead

Sansa

  • Will she die?
    – No
  • What’s the most notable thing she’ll do?
    – She’ll stab Littlefinger. Three is really looking forward to Littlefinger getting stabbed by Sansa.

Jon

  • Will he die?
    – No
  • What’s the most notable thing he’ll do?
    – Nothing, because he’s lived his purpose. Seems about right. Erm has money on this one.

Littlefinger

  • Will he die?
    – Yes
  • What’s the most notable thing he’ll do?
    – He tries to marry Sansa again

Ghost

  • Will he die?
    – Yes
  • What’s the most notable thing he’ll do?
    – He dies refusing to bend the knee to Dany

Nymeria

  • Will she die?
    – Yes
  • What’s the most notable thing she’ll do?
    – Leads wolf army into battle against the remaining Freys

Theon

  • Will he die?
    – Yes
  • What’s the most notable thing he’ll do?
    – Dany’s going to change her mind about the Greyjoys and burn him with dragon fire

Yara

  • Will she die?
    – No
  • What’s the most notable thing she’ll do?
    – Imprisoned by Dany, because Dany has changed her mind

Euron Greyjoy

  • Will he die?
    – No
  • What’s the most notable thing he’ll do?
    – He will almost die by falling off a boat, but then he’ll be able to swim. The context of why and how this happens remains mysterious

Jaime

  • Will he die?
    – Yes
  • What’s the most notable thing he’ll do?
    – He’ll kill Cersei before Arya kills him

Cersei

  • Will she die?
    – Yes
  • What’s the most notable thing she’ll do?
    – Have a war with Dany

Cleganebowl

  • Will it happen?
    – Yes
  • Who wins?
    – The Hound

Sand Snakes

  • Will they die?
    – Some will die
  • What’s the most notable thing they’ll do?
    – They will be badly written femme fatales (this is a very sound prediction)

Olenna

  • Will she die?
    – No
  • What’s the most notable thing she’ll do?
    – Will be crowned Queen in the South and will become immortal. Going to be a big season for Olenna.

Night’s King

  • He won’t even be there, apparently

Jorah

  • Will he die?
    – Yes
  • What’s the most notable thing he’ll do?
    – Dies immediately, eaten by Drogon (we keep trying to make it happen but it’s probably never going to happen, like “fetch”)

Varys

  • Will he die?
    – Yes
  • What’s the most notable thing he’ll do?
    – He’ll be eaten by Drogon too. Dany’s gone volatile, you remember.

Tyrion

  • Will he die?
    – No
  • What’s the most notable thing he’ll do?
    – He’ll ride a dragon (Viserion)

Dothraki

  • Will the Dothraki ruin Westeros by trying to enslave everyone and raping and stuff?
    – Yes
  • Will it be addressed?
    – Not respectfully

Grey Worm

  • Will he die?
    – Yes
  • What’s the most notable thing he’ll do?
    – He’ll be part of a disrespectful love story

Missandei

  • Will she die?
    – Yes
  • What’s the most notable thing she’ll do?
    – She’ll be part of a disrespectful love story

Dany

  • Will she die?
    – No
  • What’s the most notable thing she’ll do?
    – Rides Drogon into King’s Landing and burns entire city to the ground. First episode.

Bran’s Flashbacks

  • What will they be?
    – Foreshadowing of Dany being the Mad King because they don’t know how to do story properly

What’s Going to Make You Really Mad this Season, Three?

  • not enough Drogon screentime
  • everything with Dothraki
  • everything with Little Finger

Well, episode one looks to be super action-packed with lots of death and war and dragons burning things and eating fan favourites! Can’t wait.

got7

Episode Eight: No One

We skipped Disney Day this week for a lot of reasons, but if our lives were like the characters’ lives in ASoIaF (and thank every entity ever that they’re not) the underlying thematic significance would be that we’re getting close to bastardbowl, and episode ten is looooooooooooooooooooming omg Cersei what are you going to do and why do we want you to do it soooooo baaaaaaadly

In summation: we can’t be happy until GoT recedes into the backs of our minds for another year because BAD THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN

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Continue reading “Episode Eight: No One”

Queen of the Tearling, and the Problem with Fantasy

Review copy

I (three) don’t say this lightly, but today I’m saying it: Queen of the Tearling is a near-perfect book. In order for me to explain why, I have to start at the beginning – and by that I mean my early childhood.

We were bookworms growing up. Our parents read – our dad read fantasy and thriller, and our mom read romance and contemporary. In our house, you had a book on the go, at all times. Our parents didn’t often judge what we were reading, aside from whether it was below our level or whether we should maybe read a new book instead of picking up the same one for the seventeenth time in a row.

I remember coming home with a Scholastic order form one particular year. Our mom took erm’s and ordered a few things that were out of our ordinary (we were really into Unicorns of Balinor), one of which was Redwall. erm wasn’t thrilled about it. It was a boy book. You could just tell by looking at it. The colour scheme, the concept, the writing style – this was for boys. Continue reading “Queen of the Tearling, and the Problem with Fantasy”